Personal Touch

So I've noticed that I'm beginning to think in FaceBook profile blurps. I'm standing at my mirror this morning getting dressed and I think "Lori Richter thinks this bathroom mirror needs to be cleaned" or"Lori Richter misses her girls".

I love FaceBook. I love seeing what you're doing. I love being able to catch up and see pictures of old friends and their families and seeing what my own kids are up to.

Sometimes, I think we're losing a needed element of personal touch in our lives because of technology. Being the mom of small children can be lonely and isolating. Days of getting up in the morning only to repeat yesterday's work can discouraging.

A long time ago, I heard a story about a mom who broke her leg. Some of you may remember the story and know who it was - if so please share - it's information that has been lost in my noggin.

Anyways, the mother breaks her leg and the father who is a businessman steps up to the plate and takes over managing the house so she can recover. He said that managing the home was much more difficult and even depressing than running a company. Here's why: normally, he could get up in the morning, go to work and pick up where he left off the day before. At the end of the day, he could look at the work he had completed and feel a sense of accomplishment.

However, when it came to managing a home, he would get up in the morning and start the day from the same place that he started the previous day. The list of work was the same - put on a load of laundry, separate arguing children, talk to children about each other loving as Jesus loved them, make a meal, do the dishes, separate arguing children, talk to children about loving each other as Jesus loved them, change a diaper, change a diaper again, make another meal, clean up a broken jelly jar from the floor, do the dishes, separate arguing children, talk to children about loving each other as Jesus loved them, change a diaper, change a diaper again, oops - forgot to put on another load of laundry. . . etc. He would go to bed at night knowing that he would only start the next day not where he ended this one, but where he started the previous day. It all starts over - from the beginning.

When my children were small, I had friends that would go out to eat lunch together. We all had little ones. And when one or all of us would begin to feel lonely, isolated, or like we just might explode, we'd call each other and go to lunch. We could go to a kid friendly place where our kids could play or watch cartoons while we visited. Personal touch was encouraging and healing. We would leave feeling like life was good and we were up to the task.

Hmmm . . . makes me think about how God created us for relationship . . . to know Him . . . to have personal touch with Him. He even sent His Son in physical form - kinda personal, I think! And after Jesus' death and resurrection, He sent His Holy Spirit to inhabit us. We were made to need personal touch; and we were made to give personal touch, and we were made to need to give personal touch.

So, back to FaceBook. I wonder if FB, email, IM, chat, text, etc. give temporary relief for our hunger for personal touch. We feel relief because we have expressed our hearts but haven't had the healing touch of a physical hand reaching across to touch ours and express understanding, acceptance, and love.

Your own health falls inside of your own boundary. It's up to you to take care of what you need. I know - right now God is dealing with me about not taking care of myself.

So, all I'm saying is don't miss out on personal touch. If you don't have a network of friends, make one. Ask for God's help - He'll do that for you! If you already have a network of friends, don't settle for band-aid - go for real healing - the way God designed us.

Letting Go

We moved Bekah into the dorm at UT last Friday. I love that girl! Boy, am I going to miss her.

I honestly tried as hard as I could to not cry. I didn't want to. Of all the gals in my family, I am the worst about crying. I cry easily and often.

When I left my oldest daughter at A&M her first year, I hugged her knowing the tears were coming and feeling my chest begin to heave. There was no stopping the tears. I left her at the dorm room and asked her not to follow me to the car - I knew it would be harder to leave if she followed me. I had dreaded that moment for years. I walked down a long hall and tried to not look back. As I started to drive out of the parking lot, there she was. Aaaaggggghhhh! My heart caved. I got out of the car and hugged her one more time. I left and cried - for a long time.

When I left my 2nd oldest daughter at Trinity, I hugged her again knowing the tears were coming. I hated that moment! The tears flowed, my chest began to heave; and of all things, she patted me on the back and asked, "You okay now?"

Same song, 3rd verse - I leave Rebekah at UT. I know Austin isn't far but that really doesn't matter much. It's still the end of a phase in our relationship. I'm determined not to cry. I hug her thinking maybe I won't cry and still my chest involuntarily heaves. Tears flow. I hate this moment.

Letting go is probably that hardest part of being a mother for me. It's not that letting go is a bad thing. And it's not about losing control. It's good and the way God designed life. But there is loss involved in letting go for a mother. It's an end and a beginning. But in that moment, it feels like more of an end.

I so enjoy Rebekah (Bek, Bekah, Boo). She was born after the loss of our twins and God used her life to restore hope to us. She brought laughter and joy into our home. Her special uniqueness has kept us amazed and astonished by her creativity.

I want Bekah to blaze her own trail. I'm sure she will. It would be against her nature not to. She has always radiated an "out of the box" uniqueness. She is true, loyal, and knows how to be a good friend. She has a great sense of humor and has always seen life from a unique perspective. I know that these are characteristics that God has blessed her with and will use in the lives of everyone she comes in contact with.

A Look in the Mirror

Recently, I had a very difficult interaction with someone I love and respect a great deal. I asked for advice but the counsel I received was, upon first consideration, critical of me and very difficult to hear.

Here's the strange part: when we left the meeting with this dearly loved friend, Skip, my husband, and I had totally different perspectives. Skip felt like I was the luckiest person in the whole world to have heard this person's perception of me. He didn't think that the words were hurtful or critical and he would have given anything to trade places with me. Truth is, I would have given anything to trade places too.

Isn't that weird! Skip loved the interaction while I just wanted to run away. He is a much better person than I am. While it takes me forever to see the truth in hard words, he is able to almost immediately disassociate himself personally from criticism and look at it objectively. (I use the word criticism, but Skip would say that the words my friend spoke to me were positive when considered in context.)

So, with a lot of help from Skip, I learned several things. First, I learned to listen very carefully to the whole of what my friend said. And, the whole of what he said was very caring and positive. Second, I learned to dispassionately look at the words he said. The the actual words that hurt me did have a negative connotation, but in context they were not negative. Third, I learned to look at the heart of the person - he spoke to me with tears in his eyes - he obviously loves me and if my friend were to describe himself, he would have been much tougher and used stronger language.

So here's the deal. I did need to hear his words. And what he said got me through a very difficult situation. With thought and time, I realize that I was given a wonderful gift. I've analyzed the conversation and realize that what he said is true.

The purpose of my blog is to encourage women and mothers. I believe that sometimes the best way to do that is to be honest. I struggle with confrontation. That's what this post is all about.

Sometimes it's really hard for me to see an area of myself that is not what I want to be. It's easy to say something like"I know I'm deeply flawed", and I do honestly know that, but words are cheap. A person can say anything. It's a completely different thing to take an honest look at something in myself, ESPECIALLY when someone else points it out! :)

I believe that God created us with the ability to love Him and through that experience, become more like Him. So, I'm okay with seeing things about myself that are not good, productive, or simply not propelling me in the direction in life that I want to go.

I'm so glad Skip was able to help me break out of my thick, protective crust. If I hadn't broken out I would have missed out on having the experience of disassociating myself personally from the criticism and considering it objectively. I would have missed out on hearing the wonderful things said to me because I focused only on the negative and I wouldn't have even remembered the tears in his eyes. I would have missed out on the truth in what was communicated. And I would have missed out on having relationship with a true friend.

Proverbs 27:6
Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

I am very thankful for my true friends!

The Wedding

Emily's wedding was fantabulous. It was very elegant and yet still comfortable. Emily was gorgeous! It is a great memory!

The week started on Sunday, 6 days before the wedding. Skip and I started moving loads of stuff to his family's farm in Cuero, Texas. We moved sooooooo much stuff for the wedding and reception.

The farm belongs to Uncle Bob and Aunt Dotty. It's become a place of refuge and familial connection for our family. And, Uncle Bob and Aunt Dotty have become very important to our family. I'm so glad to be family with them. They have always been generous with the house letting us use it as our own little private get-away.

The last time our extended family was together at the farm was for Skip's father's funeral.What a strange weirdity that our next big family get together would be for Emily's wedding.Ya know, in this situation, you have to look at the life of the house and wonder just what memories it holds of the family. It was built around 1900. Skip's dad was born in the house (1912) and his parent's lived there with his grandparents in the early 1930's.

So anyways, back to 2009, we built a dance floor in the front yard of the house under a massive oak tree. We love that tree. Our kids have played in it many times and now it holds a new memory for us - the tree Emily and Ryan were married under, the tree where Emily and Ryan had their first dance, the tree where Skip and Emily had their father-daughter dance, and the tree where Debby Snow and I disco danced in the reception dance-off!

Family and friends were so amazing when it came to lending a hand helping with whatever needed to be done (and there was a lot that needed to be done). I actually gained a new relationship with my sister-in-law and renewed an old relationship with my neice-in-law. I'm so grateful for their friendship. There is no way that we can ever thank them enough!

Before the wedding, I had a really hard time visualizing just how it was all going to happen. But Emily did a fabulous job (well, Emily along with a lot of help from family and friends!!!) - it was perfect!

From My Point of View

Emily is married! The wedding and honeymoon are over. Emily and Ryan have moved to Washington D.C. Life feels kinda strange . . . ethereal . . . surreal.

Emily's wedding was a huge event in our family. It was an odd mix of happiness, excitement, tension, and tearing. Happiness and excitement in that we were all thrilled that Emily and Ryan were getting married. Tension and tearing in that, for the first time in our family, one of ours was establishing her own family with her new husband. It's a good, but different and difficult transition.

I've been a little surprised that women who've already experienced a wedding in their family haven't been more vocal about the pre-wedding stress. Most mothers kinda sigh a lovely "ahhhh" - like when you see a new puppy - when you first tell them your daughter is getting married. It left me feeling like something must be wrong in our family that we were having difficulty with the tension and tearing. But . . . I have a hard time believing that most families don't experience something similar to what our family did.

As I describe this to others, I find that I keep explaining that our family is very close. We have a strong family identity and our kids love each other. Their friendship goes beyond just being siblings.

Here's an example of how the difficulty played out in real life at the wedding. As the wedding and reception progressed, our family was anticipating the moment when Ryan would sweep Emily away and off they would go on their honeymoon. What a moment! If you've seen the movie "Father of the Bride", you know there's a little tension about that moment and we really didn't want to miss it.

As they got ready to leave the DJ started playing "That's Amore", (you know, "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie - that's amore"). Ryan swept Emily up in his arms and headed down the line of guests to the car. Sarah, our youngest daughter (age 9) who adores Emily and loves Ryan (the night before at the rehearsal dinner she told him she wanted to be his BFF - Best Friend Forever), made a mad dash for the get-away car only to have to car door shut right as she got there. She didn't get to tell her sister goodbye. She cried later that night and the next morning. What a tough moment for me - I was happy for Emily and Ryan - and devastated for Sarah.

I do have a precious friend who was painfully honest with me about all of the pre-wedding tension. Thank God for her friendship. She endured many phone conversations with me and attempted to keep me level . . . attempted. And she always pointed me toward being Christ-like in my thoughts, attitudes, and actions.

This friend told me that she never had to die so much of herself as when her daughter got married. That surprised and shocked me. Being a mother is a continuous process of dying to self: giving up your own personal needs; putting another's needs ahead of your own. I feel like that as a godly mother, I've died to a lot of myself and am always surprised when I realize that there is more of my self to give up. Needless to say, my friend was right! I did have to give up a lot of my self, thoughts, wants, and wishes for Emily's and Ryan's sake; and that was tough.

I learned that it's not always profitable to say what you're thinking -- I know, obvious - right? -- well, not so much for me. I also learned that when you feel an issue is so important that you push it to a point of conflict, it might be good to consider the end result of that conflict after the issue is resolved -- like, will the conflict cause hurt or your child to feel disrespected. Sometimes, keeping relationship intact overrides the issue of conflict. I know, again, obvious :)

So sitting here with the perspective of time, I think I'm a little smarter about this wedding thing, a little wiser (I hope), but most of all I'm excited for Emily and Ryan, and their new life together. And I pray God's best for them.

Reaching Out

We usually have a group of friends and acquaintances that we love and enjoy and choose to share our lives with. For some of us (myself included) we hang out with people who are like us - usually church folk.

A lot of us don't have relationships with people outside of God's people. We hang out with other Christians "like us". I've spent so much time protecting my little ones from sins and sinners. And I know that has been the right thing to do. In fact, I can't stress just how important it is to shelter children from harm that could be caused either by exposure to too much too soon or from harm that could be inflicted on them by those who would prey on their innocence. But, that's a whole other blog post.

However, as my family is growing up, God is giving me a greater desire to share my life with people who are different from me and hurting. I've realized that there are a lot of people who I'm already around every day that I can choose to share my life with.

I know the saving grace of Jesus. I know that even when I was in sin and lost, God sent His only Son to die a gruesome death as a satisfactory sacrifice for my sin. I know the pain of living separated from God and I know the satisfaction that comes from being a "friend of God".

When someone is lost - they're lost. If they knew the way they wouldn't be lost. For the people in our lives who don't know Christ, we may be the only influence in their life of someone who does know Him.

That person needs relationship with us to show the way to God. They're already well acquainted with judgment and rejection. If Jesus was here they'd get something much more engaging. They would get something they could not resist.

But then, He is here - in us!

Parenting is Relationship

When Emily was 2 months old, we went to visit a friend in College Station who was a Christian counselor. Being new parents, we were very concerned about raising Emily in a godly way and we wanted to be faithful both to God and to her. After talking with our Christian counselor friend, he said something that has had a great influence on us and how we parent. He said, "It's all relationship."

It took me awhile to absorb those words. At first, I couldn't figure out what they meant. Here's a bit of what I have come to understand over the years.

We were created for relationship. God created us to be in perfect relationship with Himself. Of course, that got all boogered up when Eve and Adam sinned in the garden. But still we were created for relationship with God.

Relationship with us is so important to God that He did something unthinkable. He gave the life of His perfectly loving, pure, selfless, and only Son, with whom He had enjoyed perfect relationship for all eternity, just to restore relationship with people like you and me. Jesus is the only offering weighty enough to pay for the cumulative sin of mankind and therefore restore us to relationship with Him.

Relationship is a pretty big deal - both to God and to us. God desires it. We are created in His image - we need it.

The relationship we model to, for, and with our children is a picture of relationship with God and parenting is relationship. It's important to keep relationship with our children intact and intimate. Kids need to know that they are loved and belong to us. It's a picture of the great lengths God went to to restore us to relationship with Him.

All that being said, relationship is the glue in our lives. Whenever we've gone through difficult times, it is what has carried us through turbulent waters of parenting to the other side.

We are created by God, in His image, for relationship.

"Why You Are the Way You Are"

I'm reading The Birth Order Book by Dr. Kevin Leman. I love Kevin Leman. A couple of years ago Skip and I went through a study by Dr. Leman on raising teens. It was good and we put several of his ideas to good use.

Anyways, I've never really been able to figure out my own birth order. I have only one brother - 2 years older which makes me not only the baby but also first born daughter, right? But, when I was 9 years old, my parents divorced and by 10, I had 4 step-siblings and that put me smack-dab in the middle. Then, within a year (or 2), my brother and step-sibs were all living with other parents/grandparents. So that would make me an only.

At this point, I'm clueless about my own birth order. I think I need a private consult with Dr. Leman. (Hey, that would be fun. He's a hoot.) The birth order thing is one reason that blended families have so much difficulty - the children loose their place in the family. It's not that the problems can't be resolved but both the parents and children pay a high price.

So, back to the book. In chapter 1, there is a "which traits fit you best" quiz. I like this.

1. First Born: perfectionist, reliable, conscientious, list maker, well organized, hard driving, blah, blah, blah. These are admirable qualities and I have had to learn some of these characteristics because of our family size, but even just reading them makes me feel kinda bad, you know, in the pit of my stomach - like these are great people but if I'm stuck on a desert island with them we'll probably be safe, eat well, and have animal skins to wear but where did all the fun go - I'm thinking this isn't me.
2. Middle Child: mediator, compromising, diplomatic, avoids conflict, independent, blah, blah, blah. Again, it's boring and not a comfortable fit.
3. Baby in the Family: manipulative, charming, blames others, attention seeker, tenacious, people person, natural salesperson, precocious, engaging, affectionate, loves surprises. Whoa! That's me, but where did all the admirable qualities go. Manipulative - who wants to admit that their manipulative. Blames others - I know I do this but yuck. Attention seeker - hmm - I love attention. I think I function as a baby in the family but I'm definitely not happy about it!
4. There is a 4th one - only child - it's no fun so I think I'll skip it.
   

So, I read on . . . Chapter 2, chapter 3, chapter 4 area all good and helpful. Chapter 4, perfectionism, boring! I skip it. Chapter 5, more perfectionism, really boring. Skip it! Chapter 6, even more perfectionism, even more boring. I skip it also. Blah, blah, blah.

I did read the chapters on the first-born (Emily and Jon - first-born son), lonely-only (Skip), middle-born (Bethany, Rebekah, Melissa). I think that is greatly to my credit.

I get to Chapter 9, last-born (Sarah and probably me), interesting but I'm skeptical - manipulative, blames others, attention seeker, huh - what does this Leman guy know about it anyway!

Then I read the first sentences of Chapter 9: "First of all, I want all you babies of the family to know that I'm on to you. I know you have just skipped the first eight chapters and started right here." He nabbed me! I guess I do function as a last-born, though I think I'm a somewhat sanctified last-born - I did read a couple of the first eight chapters!

The main reason I decided to read the book was to help understand our family dynamic and why we do some of the things we do. The book has been a great read and has answered a lot of questions about our family. It's not that it will help us to change but it certainly will help us to understand. A big thanks to Dr. Leman!

It's Been One of those Days!

AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Emily Is Getting Married!

Emily, our oldest daughter, is getting married! Today we're going to look for wedding dresses and site venues for the wedding. I'm looking forward to spending a fun afternoon with her. I love her so much!

Emily was born on April 5, 1986 around 9:10 am. (I say around 9:10 am because asking anyone who has had more than 3 children to remember the time or birth weights of her children is just too much.)

I remember everything about that moment - how tiny she was, how she felt in my arms, how she smelled, and how she sounded. I also remember how I felt - that was the moment I became a mother. Whoa and wow! It's hard to explain to a mom-to-be how the love thing happens - it just does. One moment you wait in anticipation of meeting your special little one. It's hard to even imagine what they will look like or sound like. Then, the next moment, there they are in your arms and their little being is powerfully imprinted in your memory - you could recognize their look, sound, and smell from a hundred other babies. It's one of God's great gifts to us.

I'm still amazed that God trusted me enough to entrust her to me. She brings me pleasure. I'm so proud of how she has grown up and the godly woman she has become. She encourages me and motivates me to love God more.

Emily is full of grit and I like that about her. When she was 4 years old, she came to her daddy and me and said that God had spoken to her that she needed to go tell our neighbor about how much God loved her. We did. I now am so proud to say that I fully trust Emily's ability to hear and discern God's voice.

Emily is fun! She has a special ability to love people and make them feel like they are important to her. Just being around her makes people feel good. I know that will be a quality that God will use in her future.

Emily is smart and capable and has more than her share of "snap". She can be painfully honest and has the ability to perceive difficult situations. Her thoughts and opinions have become very important to me. She has a heart for living life to the fullest and loving others.

When your daughter is young, it's hard to imagine that a young man will ever come along who is deserving of your daughter. In the good moments when everything is going well, you can't imagine that anyone good enough actually exists in this world. In the difficult moments, you wonder if a young man will come along who will be able to survive her. (I know you know what I mean. . .)

I never dreamed that anyone would come along for Emily that I would feel so comfortable with, but Ryan did. I enjoy his company and he fits unbelievably well into our family. My kids love him - heck - I love him!

Ryan is amazing. Ryan loves God and he and Emily are committed to keeping God the most important priority in their marriage. He is kind, loving, and respectful of Emily. I knew he was a keeper when he told me last year that he felt that most guys don't do enough to protect a girl's heart when they are dating.

It is a privilege to welcome Ryan into our our family. Skip and I have prayed for him since before Emily was born. (I do mean that literally.)

I'm amazed that I find myself in this place. I know that sentence has two "I"s in it - I really don't mean to make this event about me - there I go again with another two "I"s and a "me". This is going to be more difficult than I thought - one more "I". Darn it! How in the world am I (double-darn) going to be faithful to my (possessive pronoun representing "I" - darn it, darn it, darn it) sweet daughter and her fiance in this new phase of life?

Skip has often said that it would be nice if a user manual came with a baby. And here we are - in a new situation that we have never walked through; and in fact we are unsure how to. Once again, we are dependent on God to enable us and provide grace to be faithful to Him and Emily and Ryan.

My Best Tidbit of Advice

Several years ago, I was visiting with a friend in her front yard when her daughter came up and asked if she could do a specific something. I don't remember what that specific something was but I do remember that even I knew the mom was going to say no. My friend did say no - she and I continued our visit.

A few minutes later, the daughter ran up and asked again. Again, my friend said no. Our conversation resumed. Repeat this scenario 2 more times.

Finally, about the fifth time the daughter asked, I started laughing and said, "Oh, I get it. Recently, when she asked you - you said yes." My friend exclaimed, "Yeeeesssss!" We both knew that the daughter would keep asking for a long time, that my friend would have to continue to say no for a long time, until all hope the little girl had of getting her way would be removed.

Lesson: If you've got some "long times" in your future, spend them thinking about it before you compromise your family rules or standards. Make sure that your rules are just, right/righteous, and worthy. There is nothing worse than enforcing a "no" that, in the heat of the battle, you realize is unrighteous. And then, stand firm - - - or you'll end up saying no to your child for a really, really long time until they lose all hope of another random yes.

If you say no sometimes and yes sometimes, it makes life seem really random to your kids. It isn't. God created a world for us where He tells us what the rules are and what we can expect from Him. Personally, I find that to be very comforting because I know where the boundaries are and what the consequences are. Life makes sense and obedience is most likely when we know what we can expect.

So think about it before you buckle - the pain of saying no far outweighs the months of repeated questions that hope for another weak moment.

Things I Want to be Remembered For

I want to be remembered for being a faithful child of God in the toughest of times, for loving well, for being a faithful and true friend, for living a life of learning, for learning to think, for thinking outside of the box, for conquering tasks that I find difficult, for being energetic.

I want to be remembered for knowing what the important things in life are, for not sweatin' the not-so-important stuff (I'm working on this one), for giving Skip's breakfast biscuit to a homeless guy (without asking first), for laughing hard, for crying with my family and friends when they cried, for still being able to tackle my 12 year old son, and for saying "I love you" a lot.

I want to be remembered for sitting beside the bed of my dear friend when she was dying of cancer, for having the courage to make difficult decisions, for being a person whose "no" means "no", for knowing what to hate - like deception, unkindness, dishonesty, divisiveness, and that children go to bed hungry at night.

I want to be remembered for knowing when to be quiet and listen, for loving sinners, for being able to speak the truth - in love (still working on this one), for being selfless and encouraging, for not nagging Skip about changing his headlight when he wouldn't change it - though I did turn him in to the police.

I want to be remembered as someone who lived - hard, played - hard, rested - hard, and loved - hard.

I want to be remembered as someone who pursued knowing God, and gave others a small picture of who and what and when and where and how God is.

I want to be remembered for loving Skip and my children wholeheartedly.

I want to be remembered for loving God more than anything else in this life.

Letter (written by Lori's husband) to Friends About the Death of Grace and Peace Richter

August 6, 1989

Dear Family and Friends,

Grace and Peace Richter, both girls, were born at 23 weeks. Both went to rest in the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ within 20 minutes after their birth.

We have been looking forward to having more children. Even before conception we began to pray for our next child. We even asked God for twins. We were overjoyed in March to find out that Lori was pregnant, and even happier to discover that they were twins. We believed, and still believe, that our pregnancy was given to us by the Lord.

In mid-July, Lori began to look like she was in her 8th month. We went to the doctor saw on an ultrasound that something was wrong. We were sent to Texas Children's Hospital in Houston. The twins had a condition called twin-to-twin transfusion, a process that can occur in identical twins sharing a single placenta. We were told that the chances of either baby living were zero. They were too young to be born, and as time went on they would only grow weaker in the womb.

We were crushed. We prayed long hours for them and believed to the end that God could heal them if He chose to intervene. In our repeated talks with Him, we asked for them to be healed. However, we also told God that we knew He loved us and the babies and that His purpose and perspective could see far beyond ours.

During our hospital stay we experienced a depth of God's grace and peace we had never before felt. We cannot explain it except to say that the deeper the pain and grief went, the deeper His love was felt. This has definitely been the most painful, difficult thing we have ever gone through, but we can say with assurance that to those who know and reverence Him, deep hurt brings deeper grace!

On the 15th God mercifully allowed Grace and Peace to be born, Their time was short. We were able to spend our final minutes alone with them. We are very thankful for that time.

It is natural for us to think things are ours and are owed to us - our possessions, plans, health, our spouse and children. When we perceive that man or God is taking it away we feel cheated. After Job received the shocking news that his livestock, servants, and children had all been destroyed, the first words he spoke revealed his heart, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I shall return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21) And the next verse says, "Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God."

We were thankful to God for the twins and recognized that we were just the temporary caretakers of them - they really belong to God. Our twins, like all of our children, are a gift from God. Whenever a young one dies we feel that they went "before their time". Although it hurts terribly to lose them and all our plans for their future, we know that they were taken "in His timing", and in that we rest. They are in the hands of perfect love, joy, peace, and care.

Our hurt is not for them but for us. We are left o this side of eternity to deal with life's pain and struggles in an imperfect world. Having experienced a measure of His grace and peace we know that there is ample supply for whatever our future years may hold.

We have never experienced anything as painful and deeply grieving as watching Grace and Peace die in our arms. It gives us a glimpse of what our Father must have felt to watch as his Son died. Our children were too young to be conscious of what was happening. His Son was very aware of what was happening throughout the many hours leading up to His excruciating death on the cross.

We would have never chosen this outcome for our twins. Consequently, what is most gripping to my heart, as a father, is that God willingly gave His innocent Son to die for us. We cannot conceive that kind of love, or Him loving us that much! But that is the love He feels for you and for me. There is therefore, nothing that we could ever go through that His love would not be able to see us through. He, as the Father and the Son, has felt the deepest of hurts. There is no hurt that He cannot relate to. There is no pain that His peace cannot comfort.

We'll close with part of an entry in Lori's journal that she wrote to Grace and Peace:

Grace and Peace I love you so much and I miss you. I can't seem to find it in me to say goodbye. In my heart, the heart of a mother, I long to know each of you. In my heart, the heart of an obedient child of God, I resign those desires and rest in knowing you rest safely in the arms of Jesus. You now know love, grace, peace and rest. So, goodbye Grace and Peace, I love you. Goodbye Grace, for God's grace is sufficient for me. (2 Cor. 12:9) Goodbye Peace, for the peace of God surpasses all comprehension and will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. (Phil. 4:7)

It is our prayer and hope in sharing these things with you that those of you who have experienced, or will experience, the loss of one you love will find hope and encouragement in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord!

Strengthed by Jesus,
Skip and Lori Richter

God Is Good

Nineteen years ago, Skip and I prayed that God would bless us with twins. Emily was 3 and Bethany was 2. We absolutely loved being parents. We prayed.

When I went in for my 1st prenatal visit to my OB/Gyn, I confidently announced that I had prayed for twins. At my 1st ultrasound, my doc saw 2 babies, dropped his head and laughed. At 18 weeks, we went in for another ultrasound and the doctor announced that we had a "stable" twin pregnancy.

I felt that I was extra special to God. We prayed for twins and God blessed us with them. Then at 23 weeks, things changed. The babies developed twin-to-twin transfusion. They were born and passed away in our arms.

Two months after our twin daughters died, I told my sister-in-law that I felt that I was progressing through my grief well. I remember that Barbara told me when it comes to processing grief, two months is nothing. Little did I know then that grief would be my companion for life. It was two years before the death of my daughters wasn't constantly in my thoughts. It would be five years before I could laugh and really be happy without thinking about them. Even now, there is a sadness that comes each time I think of them. I know it will never go away.

I know it sounds corny to say that it's the pain in our lives that make our lives richer but it's true. How can I explain that God gave us twins and then allowed them to die so young? I can't.

But these things I know. I know that God loves me and my children. I know that He is trustworthy. I know that I can trust Him with the things that are most important to me. I know that when I'm grieving, that's when I need Him most. I know that when the crisis comes, that's when I want to turn to God for comfort.

There were times that the pain of loosing the twins hurt so bad that I couldn't imagine ever being happy again. Now, strangely enough, I embrace the experience of loss in my life. I've learned that even in the most unthinkable turn of events, God loves me and mine. I'm thankful for everything that God taught me through the experience of loss. I'm thankful that when I die, I'll have 2 daughters waiting for me; then I'll get the have the experience that I have so longed for of getting to know them.

For those of you who have experienced loss and those who will experience loss in the future - know that God is good.

The Time Blur

It's so weird to me how fast time passes. As I get older, sometimes time feels like a blur to me. And as we age our perception of time only speeds up!

I'm not really sure how that's going to work in the future. As I went to bed tonight (I'm back up - I'm having one of those nights where sleep evades me) I know cognitively that tomorrow is Sunday. But I'm really still living back in the beginning of the week, planning what I need to be doing. Weird, huh!

Panic set in as I realized the week has passed and several items that are important to me have slipped through the cracks. As for the panic I have come to understand that the phase of consciousness between sleep and wakefulness is a terrible place to try to think rationally. I loose that battle every time. So, I'm up.

Back to the time thing. The passage of time has always been a negative for me. When I was a little girl I would mourn how fast time passed on school breaks or family vacations. I would count each day as it passed and be sad that, for example, 1 day had passed - only 6 more to go. I know it's silly. None-the-less that's how my mind works.

After the birth of each baby, I would spend the 1st week crying. I loved those 1st experiences with each new life and getting to know these lovely little people. But, I knew how quickly those moments pass and I could see my babies growing so fast. And not only that, no matter how hard I tried to imprint those memories into my mind and heart, I knew that they would eventually be lost and filed away in the "memory overload" folder in my head.

When I was a young mom, (it's a weird phenomenon when you pass from the young mom group to the older mom group - I'm not sure how it happens but it does) older moms would frequently tell me to enjoy those moments with my young ones because "they'll grow up before you know it". Wow, is that ever true!

This is one of those things in life that I just have to trust God with, knowing that He created a wonderful, lively, lovely world for us. He created us so that time passes quickly and speeds up as we get older. I don't know why, but He did. For now, that makes it good with me. I'm blessed to be a mother and thankful for every ever-so-quickly-passing moment.

I pray that God will enable me to be faithful with my time this week.

Thrift Shopping

Every 4 years or so, we run out of glass glasses. That just kinda happens when you have a big family. So right before Christmas I realized that I needed to buy glasses. We decided to shop in thrift stores.

Sarah and I are hooked now. On Fridays we head to Austin to comb the thrift stores for just the right glasses. We decided that we won't buy just any glass. It has to be unusual and pretty. It has to be special. And not too many of the same glass is definitely preferred! Our tastes are eclectic and hodge-podge.

Two weeks ago we spent $4 on 5 glasses (oh the joy!). And one of them was a crystal wine glass that matched a set of 4 wine glasses that Skip's uncle Charles had given us as a wedding gift 25 years ago. Of course that set of four is long gone - as that's what happens when you have a big family. You know that I know we could just drink out of plastic. And plastic is okay every once in a while but there's just nothing like drinking ice tea out of a glass glass.

Last week, Sarah and I spent a whopping total of $6 on 4 glasses. Well, we broke one on the way home . . . no problem, we'll just head out tomorrow for another day of thrift shopping!

Why Redemption?

In The Spirit of the Disciplines, Dallas Willard writes that there are 3 stages of redemption. Redemption - I love that word.

The first stage is to be baptized into Christ. We are baptized into Christ and brought into "experiential union" with him. That means that as we are immersed in Jesus (my God, could you love me so much that you would immerse me in you), we come into experiential union with him. Willard writes, "What he (Jesus) experienced then we now also experience through our communion with him". This experiential union thing is really amazing. This stage is something that God does for us when we give our lives to him and are immersed in Jesus.

"Reckoning" is the second stage and is something we have to do ourselves. "In our new freedom we are to "reckon" or consciously and purposefully regard ourselves as "dead to sin and alive to God in Union with Jesus Christ'" Romans 6:11 Another way to say it is, "That is not, and shall not be me".

The third stage is to submit our whole self to righteousness. Again, this is not something God can or will do for us. This is tough. I cannot tell you how many times I've prayed, "God, make me more like Jesus".

I am a sinner.

I struggle with selfishness of all kinds. When I'm squished by circumstances or even worse pushed by someone, I am unkind - I say things that as I hear the words come out of my mouth I know these are words that should not be spoken. I can lay someone bare and they won't even know what hit them.

I ruminate over negative people or situations I deem unfair, letting the yuckiness of it all affect my behavior toward the people I love.

I judge other people's behavior; deciding what their hidden motive must have been. I often do this to my children.

I hide from abrupt people; letting them continue in bad behavior toward me or my family.

I'm insecure - may seem like the opposite of selfishness but it's not - it's selfishness.

I eat too much. I've really struggled with this one - would Jesus enjoy a yummy piece of key lime pie on Christmas night? Harmless, right? No - because for me, the thoughts, motives, and actions of overeating separate my heart from the heart of God.

Our family went with our daughter, Bethany, to Austin Stone Sunday morning for church. The pastor (I'm really sorry that I don't know his name - his sermon was life-giving) said, that the call of Jesus is not a call to morality(huh!?). The call of Jesus is to follow him, to abide in him, and to become like him; in a sense, to be him here on earth (AH!). The more we, over time, immerse ourselves in Jesus, the more we abide in him, the more we reflect him.

I've been thinking about this for a long time. I am a sinner. I sin. I need redemption. Life is messy. I want my children to see me love God, struggle with sin, be immersed in Jesus and brought into experiential union with him, reckon myself as dead to sin and thus by grace escape sin, and submit my whole self to God for righteousness! Then my children will better understand how to walk with God.

God help me and give me grace.

Isn't It Odd

Isn’t it odd how well others can know us when we don’t really feel like we know ourselves? Here’s what I mean. Yesterday, Bethany said the very same words I said – as they came out of my mouth – with the same vocal expression, pitch, inflection, AND facial expression including head nod. How did she know what I was going to say when I didn’t even know!?

I’m 48 years old, have raised 2 grown daughters and am in the process of raising 4 more children. Yet, the way I perceive myself is much like Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade when he is in pursuit of the Holy Grail; not in the heroic sense but more in the way he bumbles.

Remember when he’s trying to get across the canyon to the cave where he has to choose which wine challis belonged to Jesus? His father gets shot and Indiana has to find the Holy Grail in order to heal his dad. He fumbles through all of the booby traps and in the end comes to a canyon and has to get to the other side and he can’t see a way across – that’s the part I relate to – the fumbling and not being able to see a way across. That’s how I perceive myself. I feel as though each step is unsure, praying that God will help me to be faithful to my children. In most situations, I can’t see the next step.

So, how did Bethany know me so well that she knew what I was going to say when I don’t even know myself that well. Our family was almost all together having a Sunday lunch at one of our favorite restaurants. Somehow, the topic of hooka bars came up. Hooka bars are popular among the young these days and I’ve been hearing my kids talk about them (I hear the tobacco is “very clean”!)

For those of you who aren’t familiar with hooka bars, Wikipedia defines a hooka bar as “A lounge or establishment where patrons share shisha (flavored Tobacco) from a communal Hookah which is placed at each table.”

I know this is unthinkable to some but when it comes to hooka I can’t give my girls a mandate because I have been known to smoke a cigar with Skip on occasion. Okay, I know that’s unthinkable too, but I only did it to show him how gross it was to kiss someone who’s been smoking a cigar. Instead, he thought I was to coolest wife on the face of the earth.

So recently, Rebekah tells me she is going to a hooka bar sometime soon. When the topic of hooka came up during our Sunday lunch, I asked Bethany to take Bekah. Skip looked at me and asked me what planet I was from.

Here’s my logic: Bethany really loves Jesus and is mature. I love Bethany! She’s smart! I love Rebekah! Why not send Bekah on her hooka spree with Bethany instead of taking a chance on Bekah going with someone not so desirable.

Here are the words and thoughts that ensued at that point. I said, “Well, I’d rather her go with Bethany than . . . (at this point my mind started rolodexing through Bekah’s friends as follows: Hannah – I love Hanah – I hope I get to see Hannah before she goes back to college for the spring semester; Kyle – he’s so cute – looks just like Shia LeBoeuf – he swallowed a pin recently – man, I have to remember to pray for him; Jordan – I love Jordan too – he keeps writing on my wall on Facebook so I won’t look like a looser – I bet his mom and I would be good friends if we ever had a chance to hang out; Bubba – ding, ding, ding . . . it came out of my mouth . . . now, back to the conversation at our family lunch) “I’d rather her go with Bethany than . . . (and I promise Bethany and I said, at the same time, with the same vocal expression, pitch, inflection, AND facial expression including head nod) Bubba! ( The name has been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.)

How do I feel about hooka bars? I honestly don’t care. Once, while getting my hair cut, I was complaining about how I couldn’t get one of my girls to keep her room picked up. My hair-cutting friend looked at me and said, “Lori, if that’s the worst problem that child has, then you’ve got it made.” The words rang true in my heart.

When does it matter? It matters when a thought, motive, or action separates our heart from the heart of God.

I’m glad that my girls can talk with Skip and me about hooka. I don’t want to have “unspeakable” topics that my children can’t talk to me about. I have to be careful about having too strong of a disapproving response when tough topics arise. This gets easier with practice.

Hopefully, that means that when it does matter and the situation is more difficult, the kids will feel safe about discussing the tough stuff. Well, except for Emily, who hasn’t yet told me she owns a hooka pipe; though it is very possible that I don’t remember her telling me. My kids tell me daily about stuff they’ve told me that I don’t remember.

What about the Indiana Jones bumbling thing. I’ve been reading a lot lately about hearing God’s voice. Dallas Willard and John Eldridge are my favorite authors on the topic.

Willard writes about a concept in Hearing God, a difficult but wonderful book, that as we become immersed in Jesus, we can trust that our thoughts and feelings become the thoughts and feelings of God. What a relief! So what do the thoughts and feelings of God look like . . . He is kind, loving, loyal, true, a protector, open to relationship, open in relationships, a healer, peace-making, merciful, just, holy, pure, and so much more . . .

I need to go. Sarah and I have a date over a cup of hot tea!