Not By My Will

When I was a kid, I used to wake up each morning and commit myself to God for the day.

This morning as I was praying, I found myself repeating that familiar declaration, "Lord, I commit myself to you." Though this time, when I said it, I realized that this is something that I cannot do. I can't, by my will, commit myself to God. I have the desire but lack the fortitude. My flesh, my self or sinful nature is too strong. (Just as a side note - if we could, by our own will commit ourselves to God, it would negate the need for Christ's death on the cross.)

My experience on this side of heaven has been that I easily fall out of loving God and into loving myself (or what I want). It's like when someone flips a switch or pushes a button. Right now, that button is usually that that I feel someone has belittled me or disrespected me. If the right button is pushed, I flip back to self.

So, this morning as I prayed, "Lord, I commit myself to you", I paused and rephrased my desire. "Lord, I press into, move toward, look to, strive toward, proclaim my need for you today. Help me to lay myself down and not be committed to myself. Help me to glorify you.

Learning to Refect Christ

I have struggled all my life with feeling belittled. It usually looks like this: Someone says or does something that makes me feel unappreciated or under-valued. I take offense. I turn inward and mope and sulk and play the injustice of it all over and over in my head. I tell myself, “Don’t they know how sweet and good-natured I am. How could they possibly not like me? If they were better people, I wouldn’t have this problem.” Sadly, I have some broken relationships in my past.

I haven’t had a name for what I was experiencing but I am familiar with the process. It’s only been recently that I’ve even come close to being free from this reaction to being belittled. I have repented of pride and being self-righteous. I see that Jesus died for MY sin not just the sin of all those bad people out there. (I know – pretty ugly!) I want to reflect Christ in this area of my life.

Christ-likeness: Someone belittles me. I know that God loves and values me. He enables me to love and value others. I live humbly, laying down my life for others because my need for value is not met by them. It is met by Christ. The result is that I reflect Christ!

Psalm 119

God is good! Psalm 119 is clear. God gives understanding, judgment, wisdom, and truth. He provides, protects, and even seeks us out when we stray. He keeps us from wandering. In Jeremiah 32:39, God says he will give his people one heart and one way. This is my desire.

I’m not good! I am short-sighted, shallow, and fickle. At the smallest discomfort or threat I withdraw my gaze from God, his goodness, and his provision. Worry and anxiety become my modus operandi. I struggle with a lack of wisdom and understanding. It is said that what’s inside of you comes out when you get squeezed. When I get squeezed, I see the issues I’m grappling with through a filter of selfishness, crushing circumstances, and/or my culture. It’s not the most dominant of my weaknesses. I have much bigger failings. But it is the one screaming the loudest at me in this moment. I understand the predicament of the father who asked Jesus to heal his son in Mark 9 who said, “I believe; help my unbelief!”

Psalm 119:36-37 says, “Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain! Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways.” O God, give me understanding so that I can walk in truth. Help me to understand your Word so that I can put it into operation in my life. Give me wisdom so that I can attach and apply truth to life’s struggles. O God, pursue me, seek me, find me!