Paul Tripp’s book, War of Words has made me realize that I’m not skilled at confrontation. I am guilty of all of the items on his list of “Why Is Confrontation So Scary?” that starts on page 136.
I have used my words in confrontation as a tool against others. I’ve used confrontation to protect myself rather than guiding the other person in to a more intimate relationship with Jesus. As a result, I’ve opted to avoid confrontation. I confront only when I can’t find an easier way out.
I especially have difficulty with #4 - inflammatory language, condemning words, and emotional tones. My verbal and physical communication is negative and off-putting: an edge in my voice, a slightly raised eye brow, or physically leaning away from the person instead of toward. Processing this in very specific detail has been so useful in that it has helped me to be able to identify specific heart-behavior problems and then follow up by identifying specific godly heart-behavior solutions.
All of this points to a heart problem in me - I am for myself – that leads to a behavior problem. It’s a steep learning curve. Pursuing the First and Second Commandments in my behavior begins with a new posturing of the heart. It means laying down my own life for my brothers, acknowledging that it is God who preserves and protects me, and having a heart that desires to bring glory to God and not myself (heart-stuff). Then my confrontation changes and becomes a loving movement toward the other person (behavior-stuff). I can communicate authentic, selfless care for the other person, which results in a loving expression of my eyes, voice, and body.
I have this picture in my head of loving confrontation that has motivated me toward a new heart posture and change in behavior. It comes from the Charlie Brown cartoon. Pigpen was filthy. A cloud of dust was always around him anywhere he went, no doubt settling on anything and anyone he was around. That’s what I want to be like, only with love instead of dirt. I want a cloud of selfless love to be coming off of me, settling on anyone near. I want them to experience the love of God (the incarnation of Christ through me) just because they happened to cross my path. In the language of Paul Tripp that means being an effective ambassador for Christ, an “instrument in the redeemer’s hands”!
