Godly Confrontation

Paul Tripp’s book, War of Words has made me realize that I’m not skilled at confrontation. I am guilty of all of the items on his list of “Why Is Confrontation So Scary?” that starts on page 136.

I have used my words in confrontation as a tool against others. I’ve used confrontation to protect myself rather than guiding the other person in to a more intimate relationship with Jesus. As a result, I’ve opted to avoid confrontation. I confront only when I can’t find an easier way out.

I especially have difficulty with #4 - inflammatory language, condemning words, and emotional tones. My verbal and physical communication is negative and off-putting: an edge in my voice, a slightly raised eye brow, or physically leaning away from the person instead of toward. Processing this in very specific detail has been so useful in that it has helped me to be able to identify specific heart-behavior problems and then follow up by identifying specific godly heart-behavior solutions.

All of this points to a heart problem in me - I am for myself – that leads to a behavior problem. It’s a steep learning curve. Pursuing the First and Second Commandments in my behavior begins with a new posturing of the heart. It means laying down my own life for my brothers, acknowledging that it is God who preserves and protects me, and having a heart that desires to bring glory to God and not myself (heart-stuff). Then my confrontation changes and becomes a loving movement toward the other person (behavior-stuff). I can communicate authentic, selfless care for the other person, which results in a loving expression of my eyes, voice, and body.

I have this picture in my head of loving confrontation that has motivated me toward a new heart posture and change in behavior. It comes from the Charlie Brown cartoon. Pigpen was filthy. A cloud of dust was always around him anywhere he went, no doubt settling on anything and anyone he was around. That’s what I want to be like, only with love instead of dirt. I want a cloud of selfless love to be coming off of me, settling on anyone near. I want them to experience the love of God (the incarnation of Christ through me) just because they happened to cross my path. In the language of Paul Tripp that means being an effective ambassador for Christ, an “instrument in the redeemer’s hands”!

In Speaking Redemptively, Paul Tripp connects the dots between the First Great Commandment and the Second. The gist of what he writes is that if I’m loving the Lord God with all my heart, “my practical goal in life will be to please God in everything I do and say.” And, “One sure fruit of such a heart commitment to God is that I will love my neighbor as myself.” These are new thoughts to me. I have always believed that loving God and my neighbor were heart attitudes. I’ve never considered what the implications of loving God with my whole heart and loving my neighbor as myself are on how I live and behave from one day to the next.

I love God a lot. Sometimes, I even love him with my whole heart. Honestly, this new understanding changes everything because I struggle with loving my neighbor. In Instruments of the Redeemer’s Hands, Tripp further states, “You cannot love your neighbor as yourself if you do not first love God above all else.” Now, I understand that the reason I struggle with loving my neighbor is because I have treated those relationships as though they belong to me and I’ve used them to serve my purposes (making me feel valuable, for comfort when I’m sad or lonely, etc). They don’t belong to me. They belong to God.

Two changes are needed in applying these principles to my life. First, I must go to God as my source and stop using my relationships for selfish purposes. That means that when I feel lonely, sad or need affirming, I go to God because he is the only one who can really comfort or affirm me. I can practically do this by going to spending time with God in prayer and in the Scriptures.

Then I will I treat my relationships differently when I incarnate the love of Christ in those relationships. Rather than wanting people to approve of me help me to not feel lonely, I’ll go to God for approval and comfort. Then my energy will be freed up to love my neighbor by being the hands and feet of Jesus in their lives. I’ll look outside of my own need to see the needs of others and have a heart that desires to “please God in everything I do and say.”

The Good Parent

When I read scriptures about identity that state that I am adopted into God’s family, I really think “no, it’s as though I am adopted into God’s family”. It’s really a figure of speech: a metaphor or simile. It’s like I’ve been adopted into God’s family. When I read scriptures like 1 John 3:1-3 which says “that we should be called children of God, and so we are” what I hear is it’s kind of like we should be called children of God.

But, I have been adopted by God! I am his child!

When each of my children was born, I instantly experienced a deep love for them. I love lots of children but when it comes to my own, I LOVE them; they are mine. That’s the kind of love God has for me. When my child is struggling, I care about his or her heart as they walk through a difficult experience. I’m glad to help them. I want them to know they're not alone in the situation and that I will help. That’s the kind of love God has for me!

When I forget that I am God’s child I forget that he is with me and that he helps me. I think and behave as though I am alone; I swindle myself out of a loving God-child relationship with my Father. I default to I’ll just have to take care of myself and that’s a scary thought.

This truth changes me. I am comforted because God is with me in every circumstance. I can freely love others because I am God’s child. I have nothing about myself to protect. God, my Father, will protect me. I know God provides for me. He is The Good Parent who takes care of me.

Relying on Gifts From the Hand of God

I am worried about moving to Houston. My husband starts working there in 2 weeks. Our family won’t move until our house sells so we’ll be living in two different cities during the work week. The last time this happened, it took 3 years for our property to sell. It was incredibly difficult. It hurt to be away from my husband. How could God have allowed that to happen? I fear that God won’t move quickly on my behalf. He didn’t last time.

I correct myself saying, “God is sovereign over selling this house. This is nothing for him.” But those words don’t change me because ultimately I’m still on the throne. In Seeing With New Eyes, Powlison says, “No one can truly change who does not know and rely on gifts from the hand of God.” Though I think I am “relying on the gifts from the hand of God”, I’m not. The result is the bad fruit of anxiety in my life. (Philippians 4:6-7) I’m living out of self-determination.

Without God’s help, I cannot change. Left to myself, I function as my own god. I see myself as being too big and God as too small. I’m overwhelmed and afraid of what God is going to do.

The way I’m functioning doesn’t match what I know is true. While I believe God is sovereign, I function as if I know better than God in this situation. While I believe God is good, I function as though God will not be involved in selling our house. I’ll have to make the house sell (as if I could).

My anxiety lies to me, telling me that I have to make the move happen. My anxiety distracts me, keeping my thoughts focused on the “craziness” of the move rather than on what a great God I serve, how small these circumstances are for him, and how much he loves and cares for me and my family.

All I know to do is to cry out to God, “Father, have mercy on me. Change me; you are the only one who can. Cause me to know and rely on the gifts from your hand. Don’t let me forget that you are moving us, not me. Don’t let me forget your faithfulness, greatness, and mercy. Don’t let me forget your love and care for my family. ”

Not By My Will

When I was a kid, I used to wake up each morning and commit myself to God for the day.

This morning as I was praying, I found myself repeating that familiar declaration, "Lord, I commit myself to you." Though this time, when I said it, I realized that this is something that I cannot do. I can't, by my will, commit myself to God. I have the desire but lack the fortitude. My flesh, my self or sinful nature is too strong. (Just as a side note - if we could, by our own will commit ourselves to God, it would negate the need for Christ's death on the cross.)

My experience on this side of heaven has been that I easily fall out of loving God and into loving myself (or what I want). It's like when someone flips a switch or pushes a button. Right now, that button is usually that that I feel someone has belittled me or disrespected me. If the right button is pushed, I flip back to self.

So, this morning as I prayed, "Lord, I commit myself to you", I paused and rephrased my desire. "Lord, I press into, move toward, look to, strive toward, proclaim my need for you today. Help me to lay myself down and not be committed to myself. Help me to glorify you.

Learning to Refect Christ

I have struggled all my life with feeling belittled. It usually looks like this: Someone says or does something that makes me feel unappreciated or under-valued. I take offense. I turn inward and mope and sulk and play the injustice of it all over and over in my head. I tell myself, “Don’t they know how sweet and good-natured I am. How could they possibly not like me? If they were better people, I wouldn’t have this problem.” Sadly, I have some broken relationships in my past.

I haven’t had a name for what I was experiencing but I am familiar with the process. It’s only been recently that I’ve even come close to being free from this reaction to being belittled. I have repented of pride and being self-righteous. I see that Jesus died for MY sin not just the sin of all those bad people out there. (I know – pretty ugly!) I want to reflect Christ in this area of my life.

Christ-likeness: Someone belittles me. I know that God loves and values me. He enables me to love and value others. I live humbly, laying down my life for others because my need for value is not met by them. It is met by Christ. The result is that I reflect Christ!

Psalm 119

God is good! Psalm 119 is clear. God gives understanding, judgment, wisdom, and truth. He provides, protects, and even seeks us out when we stray. He keeps us from wandering. In Jeremiah 32:39, God says he will give his people one heart and one way. This is my desire.

I’m not good! I am short-sighted, shallow, and fickle. At the smallest discomfort or threat I withdraw my gaze from God, his goodness, and his provision. Worry and anxiety become my modus operandi. I struggle with a lack of wisdom and understanding. It is said that what’s inside of you comes out when you get squeezed. When I get squeezed, I see the issues I’m grappling with through a filter of selfishness, crushing circumstances, and/or my culture. It’s not the most dominant of my weaknesses. I have much bigger failings. But it is the one screaming the loudest at me in this moment. I understand the predicament of the father who asked Jesus to heal his son in Mark 9 who said, “I believe; help my unbelief!”

Psalm 119:36-37 says, “Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain! Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways.” O God, give me understanding so that I can walk in truth. Help me to understand your Word so that I can put it into operation in my life. Give me wisdom so that I can attach and apply truth to life’s struggles. O God, pursue me, seek me, find me!