Godly Confrontation

Paul Tripp’s book, War of Words has made me realize that I’m not skilled at confrontation. I am guilty of all of the items on his list of “Why Is Confrontation So Scary?” that starts on page 136.

I have used my words in confrontation as a tool against others. I’ve used confrontation to protect myself rather than guiding the other person in to a more intimate relationship with Jesus. As a result, I’ve opted to avoid confrontation. I confront only when I can’t find an easier way out.

I especially have difficulty with #4 - inflammatory language, condemning words, and emotional tones. My verbal and physical communication is negative and off-putting: an edge in my voice, a slightly raised eye brow, or physically leaning away from the person instead of toward. Processing this in very specific detail has been so useful in that it has helped me to be able to identify specific heart-behavior problems and then follow up by identifying specific godly heart-behavior solutions.

All of this points to a heart problem in me - I am for myself – that leads to a behavior problem. It’s a steep learning curve. Pursuing the First and Second Commandments in my behavior begins with a new posturing of the heart. It means laying down my own life for my brothers, acknowledging that it is God who preserves and protects me, and having a heart that desires to bring glory to God and not myself (heart-stuff). Then my confrontation changes and becomes a loving movement toward the other person (behavior-stuff). I can communicate authentic, selfless care for the other person, which results in a loving expression of my eyes, voice, and body.

I have this picture in my head of loving confrontation that has motivated me toward a new heart posture and change in behavior. It comes from the Charlie Brown cartoon. Pigpen was filthy. A cloud of dust was always around him anywhere he went, no doubt settling on anything and anyone he was around. That’s what I want to be like, only with love instead of dirt. I want a cloud of selfless love to be coming off of me, settling on anyone near. I want them to experience the love of God (the incarnation of Christ through me) just because they happened to cross my path. In the language of Paul Tripp that means being an effective ambassador for Christ, an “instrument in the redeemer’s hands”!

In Speaking Redemptively, Paul Tripp connects the dots between the First Great Commandment and the Second. The gist of what he writes is that if I’m loving the Lord God with all my heart, “my practical goal in life will be to please God in everything I do and say.” And, “One sure fruit of such a heart commitment to God is that I will love my neighbor as myself.” These are new thoughts to me. I have always believed that loving God and my neighbor were heart attitudes. I’ve never considered what the implications of loving God with my whole heart and loving my neighbor as myself are on how I live and behave from one day to the next.

I love God a lot. Sometimes, I even love him with my whole heart. Honestly, this new understanding changes everything because I struggle with loving my neighbor. In Instruments of the Redeemer’s Hands, Tripp further states, “You cannot love your neighbor as yourself if you do not first love God above all else.” Now, I understand that the reason I struggle with loving my neighbor is because I have treated those relationships as though they belong to me and I’ve used them to serve my purposes (making me feel valuable, for comfort when I’m sad or lonely, etc). They don’t belong to me. They belong to God.

Two changes are needed in applying these principles to my life. First, I must go to God as my source and stop using my relationships for selfish purposes. That means that when I feel lonely, sad or need affirming, I go to God because he is the only one who can really comfort or affirm me. I can practically do this by going to spending time with God in prayer and in the Scriptures.

Then I will I treat my relationships differently when I incarnate the love of Christ in those relationships. Rather than wanting people to approve of me help me to not feel lonely, I’ll go to God for approval and comfort. Then my energy will be freed up to love my neighbor by being the hands and feet of Jesus in their lives. I’ll look outside of my own need to see the needs of others and have a heart that desires to “please God in everything I do and say.”

The Good Parent

When I read scriptures about identity that state that I am adopted into God’s family, I really think “no, it’s as though I am adopted into God’s family”. It’s really a figure of speech: a metaphor or simile. It’s like I’ve been adopted into God’s family. When I read scriptures like 1 John 3:1-3 which says “that we should be called children of God, and so we are” what I hear is it’s kind of like we should be called children of God.

But, I have been adopted by God! I am his child!

When each of my children was born, I instantly experienced a deep love for them. I love lots of children but when it comes to my own, I LOVE them; they are mine. That’s the kind of love God has for me. When my child is struggling, I care about his or her heart as they walk through a difficult experience. I’m glad to help them. I want them to know they're not alone in the situation and that I will help. That’s the kind of love God has for me!

When I forget that I am God’s child I forget that he is with me and that he helps me. I think and behave as though I am alone; I swindle myself out of a loving God-child relationship with my Father. I default to I’ll just have to take care of myself and that’s a scary thought.

This truth changes me. I am comforted because God is with me in every circumstance. I can freely love others because I am God’s child. I have nothing about myself to protect. God, my Father, will protect me. I know God provides for me. He is The Good Parent who takes care of me.