Letting Go

We moved Bekah into the dorm at UT last Friday. I love that girl! Boy, am I going to miss her.

I honestly tried as hard as I could to not cry. I didn't want to. Of all the gals in my family, I am the worst about crying. I cry easily and often.

When I left my oldest daughter at A&M her first year, I hugged her knowing the tears were coming and feeling my chest begin to heave. There was no stopping the tears. I left her at the dorm room and asked her not to follow me to the car - I knew it would be harder to leave if she followed me. I had dreaded that moment for years. I walked down a long hall and tried to not look back. As I started to drive out of the parking lot, there she was. Aaaaggggghhhh! My heart caved. I got out of the car and hugged her one more time. I left and cried - for a long time.

When I left my 2nd oldest daughter at Trinity, I hugged her again knowing the tears were coming. I hated that moment! The tears flowed, my chest began to heave; and of all things, she patted me on the back and asked, "You okay now?"

Same song, 3rd verse - I leave Rebekah at UT. I know Austin isn't far but that really doesn't matter much. It's still the end of a phase in our relationship. I'm determined not to cry. I hug her thinking maybe I won't cry and still my chest involuntarily heaves. Tears flow. I hate this moment.

Letting go is probably that hardest part of being a mother for me. It's not that letting go is a bad thing. And it's not about losing control. It's good and the way God designed life. But there is loss involved in letting go for a mother. It's an end and a beginning. But in that moment, it feels like more of an end.

I so enjoy Rebekah (Bek, Bekah, Boo). She was born after the loss of our twins and God used her life to restore hope to us. She brought laughter and joy into our home. Her special uniqueness has kept us amazed and astonished by her creativity.

I want Bekah to blaze her own trail. I'm sure she will. It would be against her nature not to. She has always radiated an "out of the box" uniqueness. She is true, loyal, and knows how to be a good friend. She has a great sense of humor and has always seen life from a unique perspective. I know that these are characteristics that God has blessed her with and will use in the lives of everyone she comes in contact with.

A Look in the Mirror

Recently, I had a very difficult interaction with someone I love and respect a great deal. I asked for advice but the counsel I received was, upon first consideration, critical of me and very difficult to hear.

Here's the strange part: when we left the meeting with this dearly loved friend, Skip, my husband, and I had totally different perspectives. Skip felt like I was the luckiest person in the whole world to have heard this person's perception of me. He didn't think that the words were hurtful or critical and he would have given anything to trade places with me. Truth is, I would have given anything to trade places too.

Isn't that weird! Skip loved the interaction while I just wanted to run away. He is a much better person than I am. While it takes me forever to see the truth in hard words, he is able to almost immediately disassociate himself personally from criticism and look at it objectively. (I use the word criticism, but Skip would say that the words my friend spoke to me were positive when considered in context.)

So, with a lot of help from Skip, I learned several things. First, I learned to listen very carefully to the whole of what my friend said. And, the whole of what he said was very caring and positive. Second, I learned to dispassionately look at the words he said. The the actual words that hurt me did have a negative connotation, but in context they were not negative. Third, I learned to look at the heart of the person - he spoke to me with tears in his eyes - he obviously loves me and if my friend were to describe himself, he would have been much tougher and used stronger language.

So here's the deal. I did need to hear his words. And what he said got me through a very difficult situation. With thought and time, I realize that I was given a wonderful gift. I've analyzed the conversation and realize that what he said is true.

The purpose of my blog is to encourage women and mothers. I believe that sometimes the best way to do that is to be honest. I struggle with confrontation. That's what this post is all about.

Sometimes it's really hard for me to see an area of myself that is not what I want to be. It's easy to say something like"I know I'm deeply flawed", and I do honestly know that, but words are cheap. A person can say anything. It's a completely different thing to take an honest look at something in myself, ESPECIALLY when someone else points it out! :)

I believe that God created us with the ability to love Him and through that experience, become more like Him. So, I'm okay with seeing things about myself that are not good, productive, or simply not propelling me in the direction in life that I want to go.

I'm so glad Skip was able to help me break out of my thick, protective crust. If I hadn't broken out I would have missed out on having the experience of disassociating myself personally from the criticism and considering it objectively. I would have missed out on hearing the wonderful things said to me because I focused only on the negative and I wouldn't have even remembered the tears in his eyes. I would have missed out on the truth in what was communicated. And I would have missed out on having relationship with a true friend.

Proverbs 27:6
Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

I am very thankful for my true friends!

The Wedding

Emily's wedding was fantabulous. It was very elegant and yet still comfortable. Emily was gorgeous! It is a great memory!

The week started on Sunday, 6 days before the wedding. Skip and I started moving loads of stuff to his family's farm in Cuero, Texas. We moved sooooooo much stuff for the wedding and reception.

The farm belongs to Uncle Bob and Aunt Dotty. It's become a place of refuge and familial connection for our family. And, Uncle Bob and Aunt Dotty have become very important to our family. I'm so glad to be family with them. They have always been generous with the house letting us use it as our own little private get-away.

The last time our extended family was together at the farm was for Skip's father's funeral.What a strange weirdity that our next big family get together would be for Emily's wedding.Ya know, in this situation, you have to look at the life of the house and wonder just what memories it holds of the family. It was built around 1900. Skip's dad was born in the house (1912) and his parent's lived there with his grandparents in the early 1930's.

So anyways, back to 2009, we built a dance floor in the front yard of the house under a massive oak tree. We love that tree. Our kids have played in it many times and now it holds a new memory for us - the tree Emily and Ryan were married under, the tree where Emily and Ryan had their first dance, the tree where Skip and Emily had their father-daughter dance, and the tree where Debby Snow and I disco danced in the reception dance-off!

Family and friends were so amazing when it came to lending a hand helping with whatever needed to be done (and there was a lot that needed to be done). I actually gained a new relationship with my sister-in-law and renewed an old relationship with my neice-in-law. I'm so grateful for their friendship. There is no way that we can ever thank them enough!

Before the wedding, I had a really hard time visualizing just how it was all going to happen. But Emily did a fabulous job (well, Emily along with a lot of help from family and friends!!!) - it was perfect!

From My Point of View

Emily is married! The wedding and honeymoon are over. Emily and Ryan have moved to Washington D.C. Life feels kinda strange . . . ethereal . . . surreal.

Emily's wedding was a huge event in our family. It was an odd mix of happiness, excitement, tension, and tearing. Happiness and excitement in that we were all thrilled that Emily and Ryan were getting married. Tension and tearing in that, for the first time in our family, one of ours was establishing her own family with her new husband. It's a good, but different and difficult transition.

I've been a little surprised that women who've already experienced a wedding in their family haven't been more vocal about the pre-wedding stress. Most mothers kinda sigh a lovely "ahhhh" - like when you see a new puppy - when you first tell them your daughter is getting married. It left me feeling like something must be wrong in our family that we were having difficulty with the tension and tearing. But . . . I have a hard time believing that most families don't experience something similar to what our family did.

As I describe this to others, I find that I keep explaining that our family is very close. We have a strong family identity and our kids love each other. Their friendship goes beyond just being siblings.

Here's an example of how the difficulty played out in real life at the wedding. As the wedding and reception progressed, our family was anticipating the moment when Ryan would sweep Emily away and off they would go on their honeymoon. What a moment! If you've seen the movie "Father of the Bride", you know there's a little tension about that moment and we really didn't want to miss it.

As they got ready to leave the DJ started playing "That's Amore", (you know, "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie - that's amore"). Ryan swept Emily up in his arms and headed down the line of guests to the car. Sarah, our youngest daughter (age 9) who adores Emily and loves Ryan (the night before at the rehearsal dinner she told him she wanted to be his BFF - Best Friend Forever), made a mad dash for the get-away car only to have to car door shut right as she got there. She didn't get to tell her sister goodbye. She cried later that night and the next morning. What a tough moment for me - I was happy for Emily and Ryan - and devastated for Sarah.

I do have a precious friend who was painfully honest with me about all of the pre-wedding tension. Thank God for her friendship. She endured many phone conversations with me and attempted to keep me level . . . attempted. And she always pointed me toward being Christ-like in my thoughts, attitudes, and actions.

This friend told me that she never had to die so much of herself as when her daughter got married. That surprised and shocked me. Being a mother is a continuous process of dying to self: giving up your own personal needs; putting another's needs ahead of your own. I feel like that as a godly mother, I've died to a lot of myself and am always surprised when I realize that there is more of my self to give up. Needless to say, my friend was right! I did have to give up a lot of my self, thoughts, wants, and wishes for Emily's and Ryan's sake; and that was tough.

I learned that it's not always profitable to say what you're thinking -- I know, obvious - right? -- well, not so much for me. I also learned that when you feel an issue is so important that you push it to a point of conflict, it might be good to consider the end result of that conflict after the issue is resolved -- like, will the conflict cause hurt or your child to feel disrespected. Sometimes, keeping relationship intact overrides the issue of conflict. I know, again, obvious :)

So sitting here with the perspective of time, I think I'm a little smarter about this wedding thing, a little wiser (I hope), but most of all I'm excited for Emily and Ryan, and their new life together. And I pray God's best for them.